Listen to Your Own Advice, Moms

“The only thing that makes it hard is you saying, ‘I can’t do this!!'”

Maybe I should have been screaming that into my own ears.

I so often hear my own thoughts whispering, “I can’t do this”, throughout my trying days.  I allow myself to give up, but don’t have compassion on my children that are just as frustrated with their problems.

• CHILDREN HAVE THEIR LIMITS, TOO

My heart needs to be softened to their struggles, and speak tender, encouraging words to help them believe that they really CAN do it.

• JUST BECAUSE WE SAY “WE CAN’T”, DOESN’T MAKE IT TRUE

When I get to the throw-in-the-towel stage, I feel very alone.  Heaven helped the husband that walks in on a mother that is in this self-condemning place.  Unless he is a compassionate man.

Which brings me back to my first lesson….love and compassion….overlook the ugly…forgive the foolish….encouraging.  Those are the only available choices if you want to be a trusted mom.  These children remember how we treat them when they are down and out.

Oh, boy, do they remember.

• BE READY TO CONFESS YOUR WRONG REACTIONS.

Showing our vulnerable and sinful places will build trust between you and your child.  Keep it real mom!!

Teen Tangled

This past year and a half has been a crash course in tricky teenage technicalities.

I think I failed on the first few classes.

But one thing I have learned:

• GOD’S PARENTING ARM IS LONGER THAN MINE

I have finally had the faith to try out that theory.  And it is true—God loves and cares for my children as much and MORE than I do!

When that youth can come to me and say they hold these boundaries that I have set as ones they want to set now for themselves, it makes the nights of painful-holding-back-tears-prayer-filled-sleep fade into the background.

• YOUNG TEENS FOLLOW OLDER SIBLINGS

And it isn’t always the older sibling that is walking well that they follow.  “Good people” intimidate all of us so that we feel we might never measure up, so why try??  You have been there.  I have reached into the memories to *feel* this again, so I can have a noticeable compassion, the type that builds bridges instead of walls.

• OVER-REACTING NEVER WORKS

To see our teenagers stepping off the cliff into a world that we have already tried, it brings a knee-jerk reaction to raise our voice and use words like “foolish” and “naive”.  But to the youth, that isn’t love, that is unfair judgement.  Where trust isn’t, intimidating judgement is.  How do we gain their trust??

Space.

Yep, they need to figure somethings out on their own.

And that requires time.  Plenty of safe time without me there “hawking” over every. little. detail.

• DISCERNMENT ISN’T SOMETHING TAUGHT, IT IS CAUGHT.

I cannot ‘scream’ discernment into each one, or bully it in, or lecture it in….they simply are watching me.

Always watching me.

They see what I have done and can decide for themselves whether they want to take the risk to do the bad and reap a negative reward, or do well and receive the blessing.

Don’t tangle with the teens.

God’s arms are long enough to hold you while He guides them.

Peace.

Am I a Good Listener?

Someday, maybe after I am long gone and my children are looking through my archives, I hope Pink 4 will see what a great help she has been to me.

You see, I have a track record of not being the best listener.  I tend to think over my next statement while the other person is talking….or I simply interrupt with my “important” thoughts.  I have done this to my husband and friends….and most regretfully, to my children.

• INABILITY TO LISTEN BREAKS TRUST

I can see in the children’s eyes that they don’t trust me to *hear* them.  Especially my teen daughters.  I have a long road ahead to change this pattern in my marriage, my parenting, and my friendships.

So I have a set a mini goal for the start of this change:

• STOP WHAT I AM DOING – GET ON THEIR LEVEL – AND LISTEN!!!

Pink 4 was instrumental in teaching me that certain responses get the opposite results from what I desired.  Lecturing, yelling, answering with *auto-no’s*, and ignoring are all very unkind and disrespectful.

• GOOD LISTENERS DON’T HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING.

Some times in life there are no words for a proper response.  Just listen….and leave with a hug.  Now for some wisdom for when that time for silence is.

Thank you, Pink 4.

Forgiveness….Trust?

In life there are times that you need to forgive when you don’t FEEL forgiveness in yourself. The relationship is valued more than the selfish need to be ‘right’ or harbor bitterness. But does forgiveness automatically reinstate trust?
As a wife, friend, daughter-in-law, and mother I can say emphatically, “NO!”

• FORGIVING SOMEONE DOES NOT AUTOMATICALLY RESTORE TRUST

Well, if I can be so sure of my own heart on this issue, I really need to step back and consider other people’s hearts when they have needed to forgive me.
Most recently, Pink 4. I guess I just expected her to trust me again after I hurt her. Moms don’t always see things from the child’s viewpoint.
Child.
I mean, young woman. Being her mom has been a joy, and now to help her into adulthood, I have had my eyes opened to my insensitivities toward my young adult children up to this point.
Time for another change for this mom.

Something You Learn Only After You Have Kids

This next thought isn’t something the kids taught me.  But I certainly would not know it to this extent if I had no children.

• CHILDREN ARE A MULTIDIMENSIONAL DISPLAY OF LOVE

Okay, you are going to have to concentrate in order to follow me here.

1. God loves me
2. I love God because He first loved me
3. My husband, a gift from God, loves me like Christ loves the Church (His Bride)
4. I love {respect-honor} my husband
5. Our love for each other brings children, a love-gift from God
6. As we love {train-nurture} our children we are loving each other and showing our love to God
7. The children see our love for each other and our love for God
8. The children love us
9. The children love God, they were taught that He first loved them…..

This is the ultimate heritage to pass on.

Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.
(Psalms 127:3)

Give an Inch…Take a Mile

Give a dime….take a dollar.

How many of us heard this quoted by our parents?  So this lesson is not going to be very original, I know I taught it to my parents!

• CHILDREN WILL TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOUR GENEROUS NATURE.

Sometimes they will be polite and ask for further privileges, but not always.  I have hear myself saying “Do I want to know what you have been doing?”  I might have given my [reluctant] permission for something, only to hear later that the [trip to the library] turned into a dip in the lake….OR, the stop to [refill my gas tank] ended up with tummies full of pizza and pop.

Here is the latest stunt pulled by Blue 7:

He was allowed to ride bike up and down the sidewalk while I prepared supper.  Ten minutes later he was marched inside by Pink 3 who informed me that he was [attempting to] cutting down the neighbor’s tree—with the saw from the toolbox I bought for his birthday.  When they know we trust them and won’t check on them for 5 or 10 minutes, it seems they get to testing that trust.

• KIDS OF ALL AGES NEED TO KNOW WE SEE WHAT THEY DO

I have heard this described as ‘staking tomato plants’.  A tomato plant will sprawl all over the ground, choke out neighboring plants, get damaged or diseased, and produce poor quality or no fruit.  Simply stake the plant up, supporting the weight of developing vines and fruits and you have a great harvest.

• A CHILD NEEDS HIS PARENTS TO TRAIN, PROTECT AND SUPPORT HIM.

What a privilege.  Do not become weary in well doing my fellow parents.

Proof of This Next Lesson

Just the fact that I haven’t posted for over two weeks proves my next point.

• A MOM’S LIFE IS NOT PREDICTABLE…EXCEPT THE UNPREDICTABLE PART.

Picture this: I slide into bed, baby is asleep, the whole house is quiet.  I drift off to sleep while I imagine my peaceful morning.  I am going to sneak out of bed before anyone wakes, get a shower (I deserve 2 or 3 a week, right?) and then read the Bible while my straightening iron heats.  With clean hair and outfit I efficiently make a healthy, hot breakfast for the family.  My coffee is never cold when I am drinking it….the children wake up happy….

oops…that was the dream.

Reality: yep, you guessed it…that doesn’t happen very often.  See how you can predict the unpredictable?!?

Baby cries most of the night and could only be comforted by me.  3 year old wets the bed because no one remembered to potty him before bed.  I struggle to get even 2 hours together of sleep before the littles start fighting and asking for cartoons and candy.

oops…I might have just been too open.

• A MOTHER’S LIFE IS A MARATHON

To each mom there are different things that pose a greater challenge.

• A MOTHER’S LIFE IS A MESSAGE

A message of God’s Grace, His Blessing, and His Protection.

 

 

Blocked Goals

Whomever is the current baby in the house is the teacher of this lesson:

• YOUR AMOUNT OF DETERMINATION IS IN DIRECT CORRELATION TO THE  NUMBER OF TIMES YOU’RE INTERRUPTED BEFORE YOU FINALLY ACHIEVE THE GOAL.

Babies are notorious for being ‘needy’…and at no fault of their own!  We love being parents, of course, but there is an uncanny tendency to never quite be able to finish what you started!! Or at least when you thought you would have finished it.

You can somewhat plan for “interruptions” just by being prepared for when they will, inevitably, happen.  The days, weeks, and months just after a baby is born are the best times to be, shall we say, flexible? spontaneous?

Blue 9 is just about to have his first birthday.  He is teething, crawling, almost walking, oh, and climbing.  He loves to taste whatever he finds on the floor and he loves to unplug cords, push buttons, and open cupboards.  He loves to nurse and hates to sleep alone.  Now just play out your day with this child in your care…hmmm.

• I GET MORE DONE IF I PUT THE CHILDREN’S NEEDS FIRST.

Babies are not the only needy ones!  They all need food, rest, clean clothes, education, training, and opportunities for creative activities.  The whole family has many of the same needs that you can fill all at once.

So let’s leave with this final thought:

• CHILDREN ARE NOT INTERRUPTIONS…THEY ARE OPPORTUNITIES!

Pause in your goals long enough to work at your ultimate goal, that of godly parent.  Smile at the child, get down at their level, keep eye contact, and really listen.  It only takes a minute or two and it builds a bridge.  A “trust bridge” that one day you will want to be strong when that child is exploring new freedoms.